I apologize for the rude exit with no explanation, but I was feeling overwhelmed and tired.
For much of this last year I've written obliquely about the end of my marriage and been more forthcoming as my divorce became final. It's been a long road and the irony is that I began this blog to share our journey, the ups and downs of living with autism — and it morphed over the years into a blog about simply the ups and downs of my life. Autism has been secondary.
You see, autism is just our normal. Autism is as much a part of my life as twins or boys or big brown eyes. There will always be challenges, but whether it's autism or a marriage ending, or a flat tire during an ice storm — what matters is how you face it. Where do you find strength and love and humor to get you over the rough parts? Who do you take along with you for the ride? I've taken you, so many of you, along on mine. What would I have done without you, my blogging posse.
If I learned anything this past year, autism no longer takes top billing in my life. Autism just IS — now that is an accomplishment. Back in September of 2006, when my children were newly diagnosed, I wrote in Joy and Grief:
Today, my life and days are painted with a new defining quality — Autism Twins Mom. Today, Autism seems to get top billing. Autism seems to be the new enormity, the new exhaustion. And yet, there is also joy in tiny triumphs, the eye contact held for longer than ten seconds, the squeeze of the hand, the smiles that greet me in the morning.
Is it wrong for me to feel such happiness on hearing that Sam may outgrow his diagnosis? Am I betraying John, who I love so dearly, just by hoping for it? I know that one day I will instead call myself Mom of Twins Who Happen to Have Autism. It's getting to that day that worries me, all the joy and grief standing between now and then.
Now that my boys are eight (eight! how can it be?), they are getting old enough that it feels not quite right to write about them in the same way. It also feels that my divorce is a natural bookend to the first part of our journey. We have moved away and are starting anew. I may find another platform for my words and if I do, I promise I'll let you know.
Thanks for reading and for all the love over the years.